When your Strengths Start Working Against you

How the qualities that make you successful can become the very things holding you back.

You know the conversation you need to have. You know the boundary you need to set. You can see what would help. Yet somehow, you find yourself doing the opposite.

Insights from Lucy Cox’s session on overcoming self-sabotage at Leadership Live 2026.

For leaders, this can look like avoiding difficult conversations, taking on too much responsibility or striving for perfection at the expense of progress. These behaviours might feel familiar, even helpful, but over time, they can affect our wellbeing, relationships and ability to lead effectively.

At Leadership Live 2026, Lucy Cox, leadership and confidence trainer and director of The Academe, explored why we sometimes get in our own way, introducing a powerful idea: the behaviours holding us back may be rooted in the very strengths we value most.

Understanding this connection can help us recognise unhelpful patterns, respond more intentionally and become more effective leaders.

Why do we self-sabotage?

Lucy described self-sabotage as behaviour that interferes with our goals, wellbeing or relationships. These patterns often emerge when we feel pressured or perceive a threat to something important to us.

To illustrate this, she introduced the idea of a metaphorical tiger on a jungle path. When faced with danger, our instinct is to protect ourselves. We narrow our focus, react quickly and rely on whatever we believe will keep us safe.

The same response can show up in everyday working life. A difficult conversation, a networking event or competing expectations from colleagues can trigger concerns about rejection, failure or disappointing others.

Lucy explored four areas where we may feel this threat: physical, emotional, social and financial safety.

Recognising what feels threatened can help us understand why we respond in certain ways.

For example, if we fear disappointing our team, we might agree to unrealistic deadlines. If we worry about conflict, we might avoid addressing an issue. If we associate success with getting everything right, we might spend too long perfecting a task instead of moving forward.

The key is to look beyond the behaviour and ask what might be driving it.

When a strength becomes a setback

One of the central messages from Lucy’s session was that our strengths can become counterproductive when we overuse them, particularly under pressure.

Being dependable, ambitious, analytical or considerate can make us excellent colleagues and leaders. However, when these qualities become our default response to every situation, they can start to work against us.

Lucy introduced nine archetypes from the Positive Intelligence framework to help participants reflect on their patterns: the avoider, controller, hyper-achiever, hyper-rational, hyper-vigilant, pleaser, stickler, restless and victim.

These archetypes offer a starting point for self-reflection, rather than fixed labels. We may recognise several patterns in ourselves, and our responses can change depending on the circumstances.

Consider a few examples:

The pleaser: Being considerate helps build strong relationships, but constantly prioritising others can make it difficult to express your own needs or set boundaries.

The stickler: High standards can improve quality, but perfectionism can slow progress and make it harder to accept mistakes.

The controller: Taking ownership can provide clarity and direction, but doing everything yourself can limit trust, delegation and team development.

The hyper-achiever: Ambition can drive results, but constantly pursuing the next goal can leave little room for rest, reflection or recognising progress.

The avoider: Maintaining harmony can be valuable, but avoiding uncomfortable conversations can allow problems to grow.

The lesson isn't to abandon the qualities that make us effective. It's to recognise when we are relying on them too heavily and consider what the situation actually requires.

The Three Rs: a practical approach to self-awareness

Lucy shared a practical toolkit to help leaders interrupt unhelpful patterns and choose a more considered response: recognise, regulate and regroup.

1. Recognise: notice your early warning signs

Change begins with awareness. If we don't recognise a pattern, we are unlikely to interrupt it.

Our signs of stress or discomfort can look very different. One person might become quiet and withdrawn, while another becomes impatient, defensive or unusually controlling.

Lucy encouraged leaders to understand their own signals and learn to recognise them in others, rather than assuming everyone responds to pressure in the same way.

Ask yourself:

What changes in my behaviour when I'm under pressure?

Which situations tend to trigger my strongest reactions?

What do colleagues notice about me when I'm struggling?

For leaders, this awareness is equally important when supporting a team. Someone who regularly says they're fine may be finding it difficult to ask for help. Creating an environment where people feel safe to speak honestly can make it easier to recognise when support is needed.

2. Regulate: create space before you react

Once you recognise a pattern, the next step is finding ways to manage your response.

Lucy explored three approaches to regulation.

Pre-emptive regulation involves building habits that support your wellbeing before pressure builds. This might mean prioritising rest, maintaining supportive relationships, establishing a manageable routine or making time for mindfulness.

Reactive regulation focuses on what helps in the moment. Taking a short break, practising a breathing exercise or stepping away briefly from a difficult situation can create space to think before responding.

Restorative regulation concerns how we reflect afterwards, particularly the way we speak to ourselves. It's easy to replay a mistake, focus on what went wrong and overlook everything that went well. While reflection helps us learn, repeatedly criticising ourselves can make it harder to move forward.

The most useful approach will vary from person to person. The aim is to build a toolkit of strategies you can draw on when you need them.

For leaders, this also means recognising that supporting performance isn't simply about asking people to manage more pressure. It's about creating the conditions that allow them to work well without compromising their wellbeing.

3. Regroup: choose a more constructive response

Regulating our emotions can help us pause, but it doesn't necessarily change the way we interpret a situation. That's where regrouping comes in.

Lucy encouraged participants to reconsider their assumptions, approach situations with curiosity and reconnect with their values before deciding what to do next.

When a situation feels difficult, ask yourself:

What assumptions am I making?

Could there be another explanation?

What would empathy or curiosity help me understand?

What response would reflect the leader I want to be?

What's one practical step I can take?

Imagine you're frustrated because a colleague hasn't delivered something on time. Your immediate response might be to take over the task or assume they haven't prioritised it.

Regrouping gives you the opportunity to consider another explanation, ask questions and understand what's happened before deciding how to respond.

Sometimes, the right action will still be uncomfortable. You may need to challenge a decision, set a boundary or address an issue directly. The difference is that you're choosing your response deliberately, rather than allowing an automatic reaction to make the decision for you.

Why self-awareness matters in leadership

Leadership isn't just about the decisions we make or the results we achieve. It's also about how we respond to pressure, communicate with others and create an environment where people can do their best work.

Lucy emphasised the importance of leading by example. If we want our teams to be open, honest and willing to ask for support, we need to demonstrate those behaviours ourselves.

That means acknowledging when we don't have all the answers, setting realistic expectations, listening to different perspectives and recognising when we need to change our approach.

It also means getting to know the people we lead. Understanding how individuals respond to pressure helps us offer more meaningful support, rather than expecting everyone to communicate their needs in the same way.

Importantly, building self-awareness doesn't require a complete personality overhaul. Lucy encouraged participants to start small, using preparation and reflection to practise a different response before facing a challenging situation.

If you tend to avoid conflict, for example, prepare the key points you want to communicate before a difficult conversation. If you regularly take on too much, practise pushing back on one request. If perfectionism slows you down, identify what good enough looks like before you begin.

Small, deliberate changes can help us build new habits over time.

Turn awareness into action

Self-sabotage can be difficult to recognise because the behaviours behind it often come from qualities we value. We want to be helpful, achieve our goals, maintain strong relationships and do our jobs well.

But effective leadership requires us to recognise when our usual approach is no longer serving us.

Lucy Cox's session at Leadership Live 2026 offered a practical place to start: recognise the pattern, regulate your response and regroup before choosing what to do next.

The next time you find yourself avoiding a conversation, taking on too much or striving for perfection, pause and ask yourself: Is this strength helping me right now, or is it getting in my way?

That simple question could be the first step towards a more intentional, self-aware and effective approach to leadership.